Chapter 5: the 1980's
In 1980 I married Carolyn, for all the normal reasons: love, companionship, intimacy. I actually believed that my transgendered tendencies had faded away. For a time, this seemed to be the case, but I had not realized that marriage would actually force me to deal with my inner nature. It was not as though I tried to hide all interest, because I did openly watch talk shows that covered the subject, and I had subtly been dropping hints for years about potential gender misalignment. But these hints would often lead to an exchange of anger and leave both of us feeling hurt and confused. We are currently in therapy, trying to resolve this kind of interaction.
In 1985, Carolyn discovered that her son was bisexual, so we started going to PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) meetings. Like most of the husbands present, I was ineffective. At the time, my life-long affliction with stammering was active, so I could hardly participate in any discussions, but the discussions about "coming out of the closet" were not lost on me.
Carolyn was pressuring me to change my poor social skills, but I did not really know what to do. Early in 1989, I decided to do something about it. I had reached a turning point in my life. Middle-age lay ahead, and a certain confidence had emerged. I realize now the it was at this moment that the desire and resistance curves crossed. I was tired sustaining the convenient male image, so I decided to explore my feminine side. I had also combined Tibetan Buddhist psychology with my own psychology. This new psychology denied convenient binary logic and stressed being grounded in one’s true nature. Death was inevitable in life, and my clock had been ticking away without any exploration of my nature. I was going to crossdress, though I did not know why or when. Carolyn was interested at first; then she did not know how to respond.. Once again, by the exercise of willpower, I progressed toward my goal without any idea where I was headed.
On Halloween 1989, I knowingly violated company rules and went to work crossdressed. Carolyn had not believed that I would actually do it. The person who was most shocked was myself, since I had always believed that I was too shy and introverted to such a thing. Everyone in the neighboring group at work was supposed to be in costume, but they had chickened out. My make-up was awful, but I did get a lot of support. Everyone sensed what I was going was important to me, since shy, introverted genetic-men simply do not go to work dressed as a woman.
At the end of the day, Carolyn hoped that I had satisfied this desire and would finally drop it. I had no idea what to do with this developing passion.
Last Modified Friday, March 21, 2003