Chapter 6: The 1990's
The idea of Romana was born at the Norwescon Science Fiction Convention in March, 1990. First I had denied that I would ever crossdress, now I had given a name to my cross-gendered persona. Yes, my fantasy index is sky-high, but it is just a trait and not the cause of my transgendered nature.
In June 1990, Romana made an appearance at the PRIDE Festival on Capital Hill in Seattle. I began to develop ideas about combining transgender activism with gay and lesbian activism. By 1992, I was slowly revealing my transgendered nature to people, especially in PFLAG. I went to my first support group meeting at the Ingersoll Center as Dennis. It was a gut-wrenching experience to meet other transgendered people.
Other people at Ingersoll had already actively been pursuing joining forces with the gay and lesbian liberation movement. At committee meetings for the coming Seattle PFLAG Convention in September, I got the go ahead for facilitating the first ever transgender panel at a PFLAG convention. I was developing a sense of purpose in life, besides finding situations where I could openly crossdress. Stranger yet, I went entirely public, realizing that I could not do this in a closeted situation.
Romana appeared at the PFLAG conventions in Seattle, New Orleans, San Francisco, Indianapolis, and Washington D.C. Since 1994, she has marched in every Seattle Pride Parade but one. Starting in 1996, she has put in an appearance at every other Seattle PFLAG meeting. 1998 marked her eleventh appearance at work, on Halloween. It would seem that I had found my niche in life, combining activism with the pleasure of being a woman-like person. However, I was way over-extended, because this whole scheme rests upon a fragile foundation of desired support, especially from my wife.
Since December 1997, my wife and I have been seeing a therapist to treat my deep depression, my GID, and marriage problems. I picked a savvy transgender-knowledgeable therapist, and my wife is comfortable with him.
As the decade comes to and end, the important link to Romana has not abated. In May 1999, I finally got my ears pierced: another rite of passage. I no longer have to suffer those painful clip earrings.
Here are my observations and comments which define my links to a transgendered world.
1. As the twentieth century comes to a close, it will probably be remembered for the high level of gender anxiety. I might even be remembered for having caused more than my fair share.
2. There is no official recognition for the idea that chromosomal sex and gender identity are separate, and people seem to be dumbfounded that anyone would question their culturally assigned gender.
3. Social taboos make the collection of transgender statistics difficult, and all findings can be questioned, since particular interest-groups are often targeted.
4. Percentages are still being argued. Like for gays and lesbians, some think that transgenderism affects ten percent of the population. Intersexed persons, who may comprise three to five percent of the population, are often lumped with TG persons.
5. For a transgendered persons, being homosexual is an unwelcome burden. There are straight, lesbian, gay, and bisexual transgendered persons, but the affectional orientation of TG persons may also be too complex for such simple labels. I have a same-gender orientation; I am only attracted to women, be they female or male.
6. There are probably equal numbers of transgendered genetic-women and genetic-men, but the emphasis is usually on transgendered genetic-men due to the creation of a woman-like appearance. Transgendered genetic-women do not have to conform to any particular physical appearance.
7. There seems to be a transgendered core, composed of no more than one to two percent of the population. These are the most culturally-defiant people, some of whom transition all the way. That is, they have sexual reassignment surgery (SRS). Equal numbers of genetic-men and genetic-women go on to become transsexuals; however, such people are only a small percentage of the core group.
8. Talk shows and supermarket tabloids love the concept of a sex-change. I do not believe that it is currently possible to change one’s chromosomal sex, but others disagree. Legal definitions (different from clinical definitions) come into play. In many states, one can get the designation of sex changed on a driver’s license and on a birth certificate.
9. Everyone in the core group has some transsexual tendency, or at least understands and sympathizes with those who become transsexuals. Not long ago, transsexuals were practically ordered to get the surgery, get a divorce from any current spouse, get married in accordance with their new sex, and drop out of sight, so that the binary order could be preserved.
Here is how I think I fit into all this:
1. I desperately need took integrate all facets of my identity and my personality into my life. This means expressing my cross-gender identity two to five times a month. It means defying convention to appear dressed as I am not supposed to appear, in social situations which may or may not be TG-appropriate. I see no reason to hide these feelings and like to be totally out.
2. I do admit I have transsexual tendencies, but I do not dream of having surgery, nor do I plan to start any formal transition program. I realize that this is a contradiction, since I might be happier in the end, but I simply do not have the will and the energy for such an undertaking. I am strictly a part-time, non-surgical transsexual.
3. I believe that my basic nature is more woman-like than man-like. Living full time as a woman-like person might be nice, but I am really not likely to ever go more than a month as Romana. I realize that this also seems like a contradiction, since I am not effeminate; in fact, I am not even very feminine in the cultural sense. I believe I am woman-like in the subtler aspects of interaction, problem solving, and socialization.
4. Passing is very important, but passing is also irrelevant. I am transgendered whether or not I actually express my woman-like identity. I admit my woman-like identity is my highly personalized version of a woman. I adapt the features I feel are relevant and discard the rest. I do not role play, I do not impersonate, nor do I do caricatures. I am not turned on by lingerie.
5. Through my personal exploration, I feel I have found a purpose in life. I am truly moved to go gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender activism. This satisfies the Buddhist concept of a purposeful path, where my life and the lives of others become bound together. So many of my friends seem to be gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered.
6. I enjoy studying women; I am always watching them. I feel I have to do something about them. I could have sex with women I meet, but I do not. This is not a moral thing for me; I just do not behave that way. Emulating them is much safer. I often feel like I have a need for estrogen deficiency, as if I need it for myself. My TG friends who are on estrogen say it makes them feel good. I will not try it without all the necessary approvals.
7. Everything seems to be great in my home life until I put on a dress. I often feel like I belong in dresses, especially at social occasions where a lot of women are dressed up. When I buy a dress, I use the same logic as a genetic-woman. It is not until I put it on that I get into trouble.
8. My wife usually does not mind me going to solo activities as Romana, but she is often uncomfortable appearing with me while dressed. I avoid trying to trade support for being "good" in other situations; it is not a good idea. I tend to view my outings as filled with enrichment and humor. I feel a strong, subconscious need to include Carolyn in all my activities without reservation, but I have to learn to respect boundaries.
9. I will always be planning my two to five outings a month without consciously thinking about it. I even want to appear cross-gendered at my 40th high school reunion in September 2001. I do not think I have to be a transsexual to experience this important Rite of Passage.
10. During our first two years of counseling, we had made progress to reduce anxiety and mistrust between us. Carolyn began to go to major events, such as Esprit, The Emerald City holiday party, and the Ingersoll holiday party as a willing participant. Building upon this mutual trust, we began to remake Romana into a more convincing image.
Last Modified May 3, 2005