Chapter 7: The 2000's
Many things of significance marked the entry into the new decade. Carolyn and I have been to our fifth Esprit in Port Angeles, where the spouses groups are becoming quite intense. I started HRT with two doses of spiranolactone each day. There have been no ill effects other than the need to reduce my potassium intake. It is time for Romana to mature at a new level; however, the needed integration Dennis and Romana remains ever elusive.
I am fascinated by the resurrection of autogynephilia by Anne Lawrence, M.D., because I have always felt a strong link between my sexuality and my transgendered tendencies, even though it is not the definitive reason for my transgendered nature. Though sexuality often leads to seemingly irrational impulses, its importance in our lives is nearly always underrated. After all, as a species, we excel at sex and gender games. And, by Buddhist definition, the human realm is the "passion" realm, where a passion (often associated with pleasure) is a self-motivated action undertaken without a clear reason. Passion is neither created nor destroyed, just experienced. Sexual desire is a primal passion. It impels even shy and introverted people to undergo many rituals and adventures to establish improbable (or even impossible) relationships, just to share genetic information and create new members of the species. Transgenderism may be directly or indirectly linked to sexuality; in any case, it does seem to be a primal passion. However, there is a Buddhist reminder, that just because everything is an essential unity, not one thing is the same as any other thing.
For both humans and animals, sex, sexuality, and gender are not documented objectively. Editors tend to snip anything that is at variance with the prevailing facts. We all have a gender orientation and a sexual orientation, and the expression thereof will always be far more creative than the established rules imply.
I do not know if I have a profile, but I will attempt to define one.
1. My fantasy index is high. Fantasy and sexuality are closely related. Then there is this desire to both have and be a woman! In 1989, when I was preparing for my coming-out on Halloween, erotic thoughts always accompanied my preparations. Strangely, once I actually started to crossdress and to explore my new persona, erotic impulses (while dressed) decreased to practically zero. The feeling was more of relief than consummate pleasure. This is not to say that I cannot have erotic thoughts as Romana, but that I have to suppress such feeling just to be able to cope. Yet, whenever I step out as Romana, I realize that I am in a situation loaded with erotic potential.
2. I am not turned on by lingerie; I am turned on by Women. I do not mix Dennis' clothes and Romana's clothes. I do not require any kind of clothing to have sex. I did not have sex until I was 35. I have never had sex with anyone but my wife, and I do not plan to wander, especially since relationships are definitely not my strong point.
3. I do not go out as Romana to attract attention. I am shy and introverted, so I hate being "read". After years of trial and error and suggestions, my appearance as Romana has become quite refined. Visually I pass, and my voice does not seem to give me away, so long as I keep it in the middle register. I go out as Romana as validation that my inner feelings are not that crazy. I always try to distinguish between stunts and genuine expression. When I do advocacy, such as having Romana visit her legislators, I actually try to be this woman, who is not imaginary.
4. I am very individualistic; Romana is my version of the woman deep in my psyche. My wardrobe gives me a warm fuzzy feeling, and I waited most of a lifetime to acquire it. I have a sense of "righteous indignation", which I must carefully control in my relationships. I feel I should have to right to appear a Romana anywhere I choose. I demand to have the same rights as transsexuals. I carry a letter from my therapist, and I usually use the women's rest room.
5. I have started HRT because I want to reduce my mood swings and because I have always felt it was necessary to match my hormone balance to my mind. I study women all the time, and I have also felt more transgendered when around women than when away from them. I have no plans for SRS or to live full time. I have mixed emotions about doing a full-transition, but I have checked all the rules to see if there are any loopholes. Conversely, were I to undergo SRS or live full time, I feel that I could handle the psychology quite well. It is the trauma of transition that I cannot handle.
6. For myself, I believe in the separation of sexuality and gender. Personally, I do not identify as female, but I do identify as a woman. I always view my woman identity as so serious now, that I openly reject being referred to as a crossdresser or a transgenderist. My femininity index is a problem, because I am much more androgynous than feminine, but I am starting to view myself as more feminine all the time. I am told that I do not need any surgery to fix my eyelids; however, I did have my nose straightened, to correct the damage caused by a bicycle accident in 1950.
7. As of the date of this page, I have already gone much farther than I ever anticipated. My expression rate is now 70+%, and I expect it to peak at 95% for extended periods. I now have more than two years of accumulated real life experiences, and I am obviously more comfortable as a woman than as a man. Sometimes, it seems I am in a difficult predicament, pursuing a course of action doomed to failure; yet, since there are hints that the largest subgroup of serious transpersons may be husbands who are non-transitioning transsexuals, I am likely not alone in my struggle.
May 3, 2005